all our problems are self made.

She was never an evil girl. Just misled. Just off track. Just astray.
That's me...Oh and for some reasons I was really angry.

I got a good piece of advise today from a trusted friend.
"All our problems are self-made"

This shed some light on my ever seeking self loathing, my pity party's where I wear the white dress and the others flock around me to listen.

No doubt there are things in my life that are outside of my control and that were not fair. No doubt I might need a therapist one day to address some of the issues that haunt me...but today all of my problems are self made.

I don't like to do the work it takes for me to address, accept and move on when these issues pop up - because it is Hard work. Its endurance that keeps me sober. Every time the energies of the universe seem to present me with a dark memory I have to get up, face it off, and tell it "no", or else I will drink. Drinking allows me to let my fears and past issues sit beside me, preferably on a bar stool as a distant stranger - perhaps only addressing them to ask for a light. Once I get all warm and fuzzy from the substance I can excuse myself and be off on a new. I am only aware today that that kind of behavior gets me nowhere, fast.

I am the shortest distant between my problems and the solutions to my problems. By understanding that, I can put God in the middle of my shit and get a good look at what I really need to see. That MY mind frame, MY thinking is what makes the difference in weather my problems are things that I am letting get in my way of divine happiness. I have to make the choice today to live a happy life. I have to make the choice to not let others decide my fate for me no matter what sort of situation I was in with them in the past. I cannot let anger and resentment run my life.

I am angry about somethings today. I am sad about somethings today. The point is the only thing that will allow me to work though those feelings and come out on a calm side of the storm is to do some hard work. No battle is won by giving up. No storm dies down without a rage. No life is lived in purpose without experience strength and hope.

I am blessed that I do not have to drink today. I am blessed that I can look the beast in the face, feel what I need to feel and accept that I STILL want a better life for myself.

amen.

365 days, today.

I am very grateful this morning. For the three hundredth and sixty fifth day in a row I woke up sober today and if by the grace of God, I will go to bed sober tonight. I really cannot believe it has been a full year. So many years prior to this one, I have seemly floated in and out of the fog that was my life and passed though years as if they were torture devices of my own making. I was a natural disaster. I was loud, obnoxious, fearful, selfish, and angry just to name a few of my attributes. For some reason though, I felt as if these qualities were refined - I was consistently trying to find "courage" to be the bad ass that I truly thought I would ultimately become, untouchable. I was chasing my tail. I never succeeded in becoming this alter-ego "bad ass", because that same bad ass girl was out to kill me. I fed her booze and drugs and made her strong and she hated who I was...the sensitive and loving girl underneath the roughage, locked in a cage. That person I was trying to become was merely my disease of addiction and alcoholism in full action. I have herd some pretty truthful stuff from folks that knew me then and now, and although it hurts I know its true and I accept it and trust that I have have the power now to continue to move forward. I want to be the sweet sensitive girl I was meant to be, and I don't want to make my vulnerability the wall around my relationships with others anymore. I have worked my ass off in this past year to begin clearing the wreckage of my past and putting the pieces back together for my future. I am usually afraid to do this, so I am grateful and blessed today that I manage to keep my disease in the cage and go about my business as an active participant in my own life. I want to make a life now, not just live in the lives of others.
I am not fixed or healed. I made a choice to step up and want better for myself. I want to be able to show the world around me, by example, that honesty and passion will bring out the good in anyone. I believe that everyone has the same chance as I and if you ask me how it works, I would be honored to tell you. I believe in the program of alcoholics anonymous for teaching me how to live again, and I believe in God for carrying me when I was too weak to walk on my own. I am humble and thankful to hear people tell me what a wretch I was because the miracle of Grace was finally able to do a number on me.

Sobriety Gave me the Love of my Life.

I DESERVE....

What a loaded statement...just those two words "I deserve". What do I deserve? Do I deserve Love? Do I deserve kindness? Do I deserve a hot shower? Yes. Yes. and Yes. Its hard to swallow. This girl, Me. This girl that has drank herself stupid more times than I can count. This girl, that has been so mean and selfish in her past. Yes. Especially me. Especially now. In sobriety I deserve everything I have ever wanted. I always thought all the wrong things would make me happy. God is Love, and mixed with sobriety, I am full today. I deserve love today. I deserve a better life today. Today I am blessed.

If you are one day sober, you are blessed.
If you are 16 years sober, you are blessed.

Its a good day to start living, to start deserving.

Love People, Trust God

There is a lot hanging on this statement.

I am just now beginning to understand the meaning behind this. The more I know and understand, the more peaceful my day to day life becomes. I hold this to be extremely true now that I have begun to understand that Loving People and Trusting God is really an asset to my sobriety.

First. Before I found a higher power of my understanding (whom I choose to call God) I put a lot of human qualities on God...Disappointment, Abandonment, Judgment...just to name a few. How could I trust the God that turned against me; made me this awful mess of an alcoholic...

Second. When I first got sober I didn't even know what love was. I associated love with sex only. I didn't understand how to LOVE a person without sex (and there where many many people that I did not wish to have sex with.) PLUS, those people that I shared sex with, just broke my heart. Love was stupid and sick as far as my mind thought.

So, here is what sobriety has taught me.

I had it all backwards.

People DO and WILL disappoint us. People will hurt us and make us cry and our heart will ache for them. Why? because were human, NOT God. We make mistakes and say the wrong things and we judge. We are just flesh and bone running around with self will in a world full of war and labels and insecurities. We are all under pressure to live up to unreachable standards (especially if you have an alcoholic mind!). But we are also gentle and kind and beautifully unique in so many ways. We are hard but when we let down our guards, we are soft, and calm and quiet. I believe at the base of every human soul lies the unstoppable urge to be loved by anyone! To feel important and beautiful for who we are...That's why today, in sobriety I choose to see past our outer shells and LOVE people - sometimes we can't help the way we are, but I truly believe each one of us deserves somebody who loves them.

God NEVER turns His back on us. OOOOOOh this is a very tricky concept for those who are just finding their "higher Power". Well, here is my testimony, and if you stay sober, you will know exactly what I mean. If you don't believe it yet, just stick around until that miracle happens (we have all herd that saying in AA rooms). I know without a doubt that I had God all wrong. He never turned His back on me, he was just waiting for me to tap into faith (what kind of credibility does an all powerful God have that reacts to your every demand without wanting anything in return? That sounds more like human characteristics to me). So I asked God to be with me and I meant it and he gave me this new life. I have been sober almost a year and trust me, its an act of God. All I had to do was trust God, and now I know everything will be alright. Sounds too good to be true? Don't knock it until you try it. And I mean REALLY REALLY try it. None of that half-ass shit that us alcoholics like to pull. NO whining. Give it your all like its the last shot at a good existence you will ever have....and you can have it all.

So yes, LOVE people and TRUST God.
When I apply this, my heart stays just where it feels the best.
And that empty void? Gone.




I watched a movie (Ive herd the book is better!)that really spoke to me, and could have been quite possible the turn around I needed to look at God in a different light.
*Go rent "Conversations With God" or read the book. It was a breaking point for me against old thought patterns, it could very well help you too.

Helpful Soberity Tip/The First Days

Its a devastating situation to the newly sober alcoholic and or addict. No more drink, no more drugs...the worlds' a seriously scary place. How do you survive?

Here's a few things I did.

I went to bed tired. I spent my first days busy as hell. If you go to meetings every day (which is a very good idea!) try and also talk to a lot of people. If you have a dog, walk your dog every day. If you are invited somewhere by others in recovery, GO. Do not isolate. If I had to be alone, call other alcoholics, I talked and talked and talked. Cry out, just talk it out - its surprising how much somebody understands if they are also in recovery. If you have party friends take your hiatus and stick to it. I couldn't save anyone but myself in the first 30-60 days, don't try and save your friends too in the beginning. Girls - Let the women take you in. Boys - hang with the guys. Let the people in recovery be your new friends, don't think to much and take their suggestions. Get up the next day and do it all over again. If your serious about getting sober, you will want to do what has worked for others...

Looking At Others With Love

When facing opposition, how do we look at others as God would have us?

I have learned a great deal from the AA program and the 12 steps. I see your faults because I have them as well. I know why you act the way you act, because I acted the same. I know what the pain feels like, for I have felt it again and again. I can never forget these facts as a recovering alcoholic and addict. I am not better than my peers. I am not better than the practicing alcoholic. I am not better than the practicing user. I feel their pain, I know the struggle. I know what its like to be literally disgusted with others because they have what I want but don't think I can have. I know you because you are me.

One of the many beauty's of the human race is our differences. Our skin color, our senses of humor, our taste in food, our hopes and dreams.

The beauty of recovery is that our disease's are exactly the same. All of us have taken different paths in life to come to the same spot. Weather or not you have reached the spot to ask for help and recover or you are still on a path there are people in recovery who understand exactly what you are going through.

In recovery we say "principles before personality", and it may be one of the toughest ideas to put into action, in my opinion. People will so often act one way and feel another (for multitudes of reasons). If I am nervous in a group, I might act out to cool. If I am insecure I might project that unto others by putting them down. If I am sad, I may drink. None of these reasons are reasons for me to hate. If I hate you, I hate me.

I have a new purpose in life since God has given me the Grace to start anew. My purpose is one of Love and understanding. May I always realize my own faults, rather than others. May I have the courage to have an open mind and unlimited Love for others. May I understand that a wounded soul, only wants to feel Love. May I be strong enough to provide that Love when I am presented with a situation to act. May I look past others personality's, for the principal is helping others as others have helped me.

I am blessed to be sober today.