I am very grateful this morning. For the three hundredth and sixty fifth day in a row I woke up sober today and if by the grace of God, I will go to bed sober tonight. I really cannot believe it has been a full year. So many years prior to this one, I have seemly floated in and out of the fog that was my life and passed though years as if they were torture devices of my own making. I was a natural disaster. I was loud, obnoxious, fearful, selfish, and angry just to name a few of my attributes. For some reason though, I felt as if these qualities were refined - I was consistently trying to find "courage" to be the bad ass that I truly thought I would ultimately become, untouchable. I was chasing my tail. I never succeeded in becoming this alter-ego "bad ass", because that same bad ass girl was out to kill me. I fed her booze and drugs and made her strong and she hated who I was...the sensitive and loving girl underneath the roughage, locked in a cage. That person I was trying to become was merely my disease of addiction and alcoholism in full action. I have herd some pretty truthful stuff from folks that knew me then and now, and although it hurts I know its true and I accept it and trust that I have have the power now to continue to move forward. I want to be the sweet sensitive girl I was meant to be, and I don't want to make my vulnerability the wall around my relationships with others anymore. I have worked my ass off in this past year to begin clearing the wreckage of my past and putting the pieces back together for my future. I am usually afraid to do this, so I am grateful and blessed today that I manage to keep my disease in the cage and go about my business as an active participant in my own life. I want to make a life now, not just live in the lives of others.
I am not fixed or healed. I made a choice to step up and want better for myself. I want to be able to show the world around me, by example, that honesty and passion will bring out the good in anyone. I believe that everyone has the same chance as I and if you ask me how it works, I would be honored to tell you. I believe in the program of alcoholics anonymous for teaching me how to live again, and I believe in God for carrying me when I was too weak to walk on my own. I am humble and thankful to hear people tell me what a wretch I was because the miracle of Grace was finally able to do a number on me.
Showing posts with label soberity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soberity. Show all posts
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Love People, Trust God
There is a lot hanging on this statement.
I am just now beginning to understand the meaning behind this. The more I know and understand, the more peaceful my day to day life becomes. I hold this to be extremely true now that I have begun to understand that Loving People and Trusting God is really an asset to my sobriety.
First. Before I found a higher power of my understanding (whom I choose to call God) I put a lot of human qualities on God...Disappointment, Abandonment, Judgment...just to name a few. How could I trust the God that turned against me; made me this awful mess of an alcoholic...
Second. When I first got sober I didn't even know what love was. I associated love with sex only. I didn't understand how to LOVE a person without sex (and there where many many people that I did not wish to have sex with.) PLUS, those people that I shared sex with, just broke my heart. Love was stupid and sick as far as my mind thought.
So, here is what sobriety has taught me.
I had it all backwards.
People DO and WILL disappoint us. People will hurt us and make us cry and our heart will ache for them. Why? because were human, NOT God. We make mistakes and say the wrong things and we judge. We are just flesh and bone running around with self will in a world full of war and labels and insecurities. We are all under pressure to live up to unreachable standards (especially if you have an alcoholic mind!). But we are also gentle and kind and beautifully unique in so many ways. We are hard but when we let down our guards, we are soft, and calm and quiet. I believe at the base of every human soul lies the unstoppable urge to be loved by anyone! To feel important and beautiful for who we are...That's why today, in sobriety I choose to see past our outer shells and LOVE people - sometimes we can't help the way we are, but I truly believe each one of us deserves somebody who loves them.
God NEVER turns His back on us. OOOOOOh this is a very tricky concept for those who are just finding their "higher Power". Well, here is my testimony, and if you stay sober, you will know exactly what I mean. If you don't believe it yet, just stick around until that miracle happens (we have all herd that saying in AA rooms). I know without a doubt that I had God all wrong. He never turned His back on me, he was just waiting for me to tap into faith (what kind of credibility does an all powerful God have that reacts to your every demand without wanting anything in return? That sounds more like human characteristics to me). So I asked God to be with me and I meant it and he gave me this new life. I have been sober almost a year and trust me, its an act of God. All I had to do was trust God, and now I know everything will be alright. Sounds too good to be true? Don't knock it until you try it. And I mean REALLY REALLY try it. None of that half-ass shit that us alcoholics like to pull. NO whining. Give it your all like its the last shot at a good existence you will ever have....and you can have it all.
So yes, LOVE people and TRUST God.
When I apply this, my heart stays just where it feels the best.
And that empty void? Gone.
I watched a movie (Ive herd the book is better!)that really spoke to me, and could have been quite possible the turn around I needed to look at God in a different light.
*Go rent "Conversations With God" or read the book. It was a breaking point for me against old thought patterns, it could very well help you too.
I am just now beginning to understand the meaning behind this. The more I know and understand, the more peaceful my day to day life becomes. I hold this to be extremely true now that I have begun to understand that Loving People and Trusting God is really an asset to my sobriety.
First. Before I found a higher power of my understanding (whom I choose to call God) I put a lot of human qualities on God...Disappointment, Abandonment, Judgment...just to name a few. How could I trust the God that turned against me; made me this awful mess of an alcoholic...
Second. When I first got sober I didn't even know what love was. I associated love with sex only. I didn't understand how to LOVE a person without sex (and there where many many people that I did not wish to have sex with.) PLUS, those people that I shared sex with, just broke my heart. Love was stupid and sick as far as my mind thought.
So, here is what sobriety has taught me.
I had it all backwards.
People DO and WILL disappoint us. People will hurt us and make us cry and our heart will ache for them. Why? because were human, NOT God. We make mistakes and say the wrong things and we judge. We are just flesh and bone running around with self will in a world full of war and labels and insecurities. We are all under pressure to live up to unreachable standards (especially if you have an alcoholic mind!). But we are also gentle and kind and beautifully unique in so many ways. We are hard but when we let down our guards, we are soft, and calm and quiet. I believe at the base of every human soul lies the unstoppable urge to be loved by anyone! To feel important and beautiful for who we are...That's why today, in sobriety I choose to see past our outer shells and LOVE people - sometimes we can't help the way we are, but I truly believe each one of us deserves somebody who loves them.
God NEVER turns His back on us. OOOOOOh this is a very tricky concept for those who are just finding their "higher Power". Well, here is my testimony, and if you stay sober, you will know exactly what I mean. If you don't believe it yet, just stick around until that miracle happens (we have all herd that saying in AA rooms). I know without a doubt that I had God all wrong. He never turned His back on me, he was just waiting for me to tap into faith (what kind of credibility does an all powerful God have that reacts to your every demand without wanting anything in return? That sounds more like human characteristics to me). So I asked God to be with me and I meant it and he gave me this new life. I have been sober almost a year and trust me, its an act of God. All I had to do was trust God, and now I know everything will be alright. Sounds too good to be true? Don't knock it until you try it. And I mean REALLY REALLY try it. None of that half-ass shit that us alcoholics like to pull. NO whining. Give it your all like its the last shot at a good existence you will ever have....and you can have it all.
So yes, LOVE people and TRUST God.
When I apply this, my heart stays just where it feels the best.
And that empty void? Gone.
I watched a movie (Ive herd the book is better!)that really spoke to me, and could have been quite possible the turn around I needed to look at God in a different light.
*Go rent "Conversations With God" or read the book. It was a breaking point for me against old thought patterns, it could very well help you too.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Helpful Soberity Tip/The First Days
Its a devastating situation to the newly sober alcoholic and or addict. No more drink, no more drugs...the worlds' a seriously scary place. How do you survive?
Here's a few things I did.
I went to bed tired. I spent my first days busy as hell. If you go to meetings every day (which is a very good idea!) try and also talk to a lot of people. If you have a dog, walk your dog every day. If you are invited somewhere by others in recovery, GO. Do not isolate. If I had to be alone, call other alcoholics, I talked and talked and talked. Cry out, just talk it out - its surprising how much somebody understands if they are also in recovery. If you have party friends take your hiatus and stick to it. I couldn't save anyone but myself in the first 30-60 days, don't try and save your friends too in the beginning. Girls - Let the women take you in. Boys - hang with the guys. Let the people in recovery be your new friends, don't think to much and take their suggestions. Get up the next day and do it all over again. If your serious about getting sober, you will want to do what has worked for others...
Here's a few things I did.
I went to bed tired. I spent my first days busy as hell. If you go to meetings every day (which is a very good idea!) try and also talk to a lot of people. If you have a dog, walk your dog every day. If you are invited somewhere by others in recovery, GO. Do not isolate. If I had to be alone, call other alcoholics, I talked and talked and talked. Cry out, just talk it out - its surprising how much somebody understands if they are also in recovery. If you have party friends take your hiatus and stick to it. I couldn't save anyone but myself in the first 30-60 days, don't try and save your friends too in the beginning. Girls - Let the women take you in. Boys - hang with the guys. Let the people in recovery be your new friends, don't think to much and take their suggestions. Get up the next day and do it all over again. If your serious about getting sober, you will want to do what has worked for others...
Looking At Others With Love
When facing opposition, how do we look at others as God would have us?
I have learned a great deal from the AA program and the 12 steps. I see your faults because I have them as well. I know why you act the way you act, because I acted the same. I know what the pain feels like, for I have felt it again and again. I can never forget these facts as a recovering alcoholic and addict. I am not better than my peers. I am not better than the practicing alcoholic. I am not better than the practicing user. I feel their pain, I know the struggle. I know what its like to be literally disgusted with others because they have what I want but don't think I can have. I know you because you are me.
One of the many beauty's of the human race is our differences. Our skin color, our senses of humor, our taste in food, our hopes and dreams.
The beauty of recovery is that our disease's are exactly the same. All of us have taken different paths in life to come to the same spot. Weather or not you have reached the spot to ask for help and recover or you are still on a path there are people in recovery who understand exactly what you are going through.
In recovery we say "principles before personality", and it may be one of the toughest ideas to put into action, in my opinion. People will so often act one way and feel another (for multitudes of reasons). If I am nervous in a group, I might act out to cool. If I am insecure I might project that unto others by putting them down. If I am sad, I may drink. None of these reasons are reasons for me to hate. If I hate you, I hate me.
I have a new purpose in life since God has given me the Grace to start anew. My purpose is one of Love and understanding. May I always realize my own faults, rather than others. May I have the courage to have an open mind and unlimited Love for others. May I understand that a wounded soul, only wants to feel Love. May I be strong enough to provide that Love when I am presented with a situation to act. May I look past others personality's, for the principal is helping others as others have helped me.
I am blessed to be sober today.
I have learned a great deal from the AA program and the 12 steps. I see your faults because I have them as well. I know why you act the way you act, because I acted the same. I know what the pain feels like, for I have felt it again and again. I can never forget these facts as a recovering alcoholic and addict. I am not better than my peers. I am not better than the practicing alcoholic. I am not better than the practicing user. I feel their pain, I know the struggle. I know what its like to be literally disgusted with others because they have what I want but don't think I can have. I know you because you are me.
One of the many beauty's of the human race is our differences. Our skin color, our senses of humor, our taste in food, our hopes and dreams.
The beauty of recovery is that our disease's are exactly the same. All of us have taken different paths in life to come to the same spot. Weather or not you have reached the spot to ask for help and recover or you are still on a path there are people in recovery who understand exactly what you are going through.
In recovery we say "principles before personality", and it may be one of the toughest ideas to put into action, in my opinion. People will so often act one way and feel another (for multitudes of reasons). If I am nervous in a group, I might act out to cool. If I am insecure I might project that unto others by putting them down. If I am sad, I may drink. None of these reasons are reasons for me to hate. If I hate you, I hate me.
I have a new purpose in life since God has given me the Grace to start anew. My purpose is one of Love and understanding. May I always realize my own faults, rather than others. May I have the courage to have an open mind and unlimited Love for others. May I understand that a wounded soul, only wants to feel Love. May I be strong enough to provide that Love when I am presented with a situation to act. May I look past others personality's, for the principal is helping others as others have helped me.
I am blessed to be sober today.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I Know The Heart Of Life Is Good.
My complications with God, inside my head are fading away. Yesterday, New Years Eve morning, I spent nearly five hours investigating certain parts of the Bible. I am not a follower as of now, but in sobriety I am beginning to understand how so much of my fear comes from the unknown. I fear things I don't understand or that I have not educated myself on yet.
I believe in Good and Love and God, and if that's all for now, that's good enough.
God Loves me, He gave me this new life.
(if your interested in reading my research: www.myspace.com/playdressup)
So Good Morning! Its 2009!
I made it though my first sober New Years.
It was so neat to "party hop" without being afraid to get pulled over and arrested.
This is the first New Years Day I woke up without a hangover (yeah that JUST hit me). Pure True uninhibited sobriety is the cake of my life, today and hopefully tomorrow.
Last night, I went to a "regular" party. For those of you who are in recovery, you know what that means...there was ALCOHOL there. You know whats so cool, brothers and sisters, I did not think twice about picking up a drink. Its so beautiful, the grace that brought me here. To be sober, have a good time and not think about drinking alcohol. Its neat to be at a party and get to know the other people who are at the party, and also recognize that they don't drink like I used to. Its also very cool to be consistently reminded that I am an alcoholic, because once I found out and did something about it I started living the life I have always wanted. And surprisingly, it doesn't have a thing to do with money or things.
A very very happy 2009
I hope its as special to you as it is to me.
I am sending my love......
I believe in Good and Love and God, and if that's all for now, that's good enough.
God Loves me, He gave me this new life.
(if your interested in reading my research: www.myspace.com/playdressup)
So Good Morning! Its 2009!
I made it though my first sober New Years.
It was so neat to "party hop" without being afraid to get pulled over and arrested.
This is the first New Years Day I woke up without a hangover (yeah that JUST hit me). Pure True uninhibited sobriety is the cake of my life, today and hopefully tomorrow.
Last night, I went to a "regular" party. For those of you who are in recovery, you know what that means...there was ALCOHOL there. You know whats so cool, brothers and sisters, I did not think twice about picking up a drink. Its so beautiful, the grace that brought me here. To be sober, have a good time and not think about drinking alcohol. Its neat to be at a party and get to know the other people who are at the party, and also recognize that they don't drink like I used to. Its also very cool to be consistently reminded that I am an alcoholic, because once I found out and did something about it I started living the life I have always wanted. And surprisingly, it doesn't have a thing to do with money or things.
A very very happy 2009
I hope its as special to you as it is to me.
I am sending my love......
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
It's Only Right Now
I lost the sensation of God in my world last night.
I got that aching lonely feeling, that feeling I had constantly before I got sober.
I called another woman in AA and poured my heart out to her until things where back in perspective. My alcoholic mind gets me in such horrific binds and it scares the shit out of me. God is the reason I am sober, and my relationship with God is the most fragile of all my relationships. Its like having a best friend that you can never see or hear or feel in all the way's us human beings can directly relate to.
Faith is so tricky.
OK, got it. I believe there is a power greater than myself.
I believe that that power can restore me back to sanity...I can believe that there is SOMETHING out there, bigger than me...
Easy! (step 2)
Now, put it into action! Rely on that same higher power and give your life over to "it". I choose to call my higher power God, you can call it Buddha or whatever you like, just give it all your problems, and your will and all that other messy junk you have been toting around for you, uh, entire life...
Not so easy anymore. (step 3)
I revisited the third step recently, (as well as this morning) reading from the Twelve and Twelve and then paraphrasing my own synopsis, basically dumbing it down for myself.
Here are my thoughts - my previous writing:
I got that aching lonely feeling, that feeling I had constantly before I got sober.
I called another woman in AA and poured my heart out to her until things where back in perspective. My alcoholic mind gets me in such horrific binds and it scares the shit out of me. God is the reason I am sober, and my relationship with God is the most fragile of all my relationships. Its like having a best friend that you can never see or hear or feel in all the way's us human beings can directly relate to.
Faith is so tricky.
OK, got it. I believe there is a power greater than myself.
I believe that that power can restore me back to sanity...I can believe that there is SOMETHING out there, bigger than me...
Easy! (step 2)
Now, put it into action! Rely on that same higher power and give your life over to "it". I choose to call my higher power God, you can call it Buddha or whatever you like, just give it all your problems, and your will and all that other messy junk you have been toting around for you, uh, entire life...
Not so easy anymore. (step 3)
I revisited the third step recently, (as well as this morning) reading from the Twelve and Twelve and then paraphrasing my own synopsis, basically dumbing it down for myself.
Here are my thoughts - my previous writing:
Step Three
("Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.")
The book of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, when speaking of the third step states: "Faith to be sure, is necessary, but Faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith but keep God out of our lives."
Without a doubt this simple phrase would have been baffling to me before I sobered up. I don't believe I even knew the difference between my will, faith and God's will. Even today I have to realize where each of those things stand in my life. The excerpt from the Twelve and Twelve above dawned an "Ah-ha" moment on me.
You see, its so very easy for me to get confused. In this moment, I am seeing clearly the action need to take to ensure I turn my will and life over to the care of God, as the third step states for me to do. I know in this moment that if I am having a terrible issue, I pray to God to take it from me. I pray to God that His will be done, not mine and my faith comes into play then to trust that God is with me and no matter the outcome - things will be alright.
But, how convenient it is that my self will mixed with disease and doubt will fight me on this over and over again for the rest of my life.
Then I realize, what counts here is my WILLINGNESS to turn my will and life over to the care of God. I do not hesitate when I say I am willing (still true on 12-31-08!*). I have come this far, and without willingness I will cease to grow and face the possible backlash of relapse.
I must at lease be willing to take action at all times in sobriety when things get a little messy in my life but, not the action I am used to, being an alcoholic and addict. Alcoholics Anonymous is teaching me how to hand over my self will to God (i.e. my control freak issues*), and God is giving me all the things I have longed for. Do not misunderstand me; to hear such things as a newcomer I was desperately disappointed. Until I felt the baffling joy and serenity, the notion of being so small gave me, this concept went against EVERYTHING i have ever known. Life now, is nothing like what I had imagined but everything my heart had longed for. I see now why it is so essential for a newcomer to let go of old ideas and have faith on what is to come. (Stay teachable!*)
I, being a fallible human being can make mountains out of mole hills when over thinking this third step. For me, the ideas is to give myself a break. What a better way to do just that then to hand over my problems to my God, who has saved my life AND is more than happy to be by my side for all of life's hurdles. It's an amazing process. With each situation that I ask for God's help and I realize how He is working in my life, my faith increases. Just as the cycle was unstoppable who it seemed when i drank as a result of my problems, the cycle can work the same way when I call upon God to solve my problems.
Its so simple really (Oh I have to continue to remind myself!) by being willing, I open up the door to serenity, peace and happiness in my life. God does for me what I cannot do for myself, but only when I take the initative to call to Him (oh look at me taking action!*) I can put the third step into action, God can prove to me - IT WORKS.
* Notes added on 12-31
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Insistant Mornings
Its around seven am and I'm up like clockwork. I got this killer ginger loaf bread for Christmas and go straight to it after my small morning routine.
The apartment I live in has NO installation. None. It's winter, I work 20 hours a week at a Green House. The apartment gets cold at night, and because the gas heater wont turn on, and if it did it would probably spew carbon monoxide - we shut off the bedroom part and heat it with a space heater. I get up in the morning, turn the oven on 500 and crank up all the burners until the rest of the house gets all toasty. Then, I let out the dog and the cat. Finally I can sit at the computer, with its fogging up screen -as a result of the oven heat and humidity, and eat my ginger loaf bread and type out this blog/journal entry.
I am sober this morning, and my life is still amazing.
Note (my partner) and I have made the decision to move to New Mexico on July 1st of 2009. We were driving yesterday to Terra Studios to swim, and we decided on that date. Our final destination is Phoenix Arizona, but her home is in New Mexico. Her family all lives there on the Navajo reservation, and I'm delighted to go spend some time to get to know them. We are going to marry sometime in 2010, and I want them to get to know me too.
In one year of sobriety, my life has made this huge colossal 180. This is no joke. A year ago I was pathetic and face down on the floor. Today I am going to look at photo's of wedding dresses online and send them to my mother (who i was estranged with during the last two years of my drinking ) so she can get ideas on making my wedding dress. Last night I had a whole conversation about wedding cake and how Note and I could just make it ourselves. OH! and last night I made this delicious Ginger Garlic, Fried Tofu and Rice dish. I never cooked while I was drinking....
It has not stopped amazing me yet all this stuff I get to do just because I'm sober. Its practically a fucking portal of Joy opened right though the center of me. I can do anything I want and the world really does have endless possibilities. I thought all that stuff was bullshit until now. If i could pick up somebody who is still suffering from alcohol or drug abuse and shake them I would say "Just open your eyes man! I know a way, and you wont have to use or drink anymore!". I was hopeless and I found that way and by the grace of God (yeah, didn't used to believe in that either) my world now contains all I ever wanted. And yes, I'm broke, cold and just made it through my first Christmas sober. This is no joke. Its the one thing in my life that sounded too good to be true but really was.
The apartment I live in has NO installation. None. It's winter, I work 20 hours a week at a Green House. The apartment gets cold at night, and because the gas heater wont turn on, and if it did it would probably spew carbon monoxide - we shut off the bedroom part and heat it with a space heater. I get up in the morning, turn the oven on 500 and crank up all the burners until the rest of the house gets all toasty. Then, I let out the dog and the cat. Finally I can sit at the computer, with its fogging up screen -as a result of the oven heat and humidity, and eat my ginger loaf bread and type out this blog/journal entry.
I am sober this morning, and my life is still amazing.
Note (my partner) and I have made the decision to move to New Mexico on July 1st of 2009. We were driving yesterday to Terra Studios to swim, and we decided on that date. Our final destination is Phoenix Arizona, but her home is in New Mexico. Her family all lives there on the Navajo reservation, and I'm delighted to go spend some time to get to know them. We are going to marry sometime in 2010, and I want them to get to know me too.
In one year of sobriety, my life has made this huge colossal 180. This is no joke. A year ago I was pathetic and face down on the floor. Today I am going to look at photo's of wedding dresses online and send them to my mother (who i was estranged with during the last two years of my drinking ) so she can get ideas on making my wedding dress. Last night I had a whole conversation about wedding cake and how Note and I could just make it ourselves. OH! and last night I made this delicious Ginger Garlic, Fried Tofu and Rice dish. I never cooked while I was drinking....
It has not stopped amazing me yet all this stuff I get to do just because I'm sober. Its practically a fucking portal of Joy opened right though the center of me. I can do anything I want and the world really does have endless possibilities. I thought all that stuff was bullshit until now. If i could pick up somebody who is still suffering from alcohol or drug abuse and shake them I would say "Just open your eyes man! I know a way, and you wont have to use or drink anymore!". I was hopeless and I found that way and by the grace of God (yeah, didn't used to believe in that either) my world now contains all I ever wanted. And yes, I'm broke, cold and just made it through my first Christmas sober. This is no joke. Its the one thing in my life that sounded too good to be true but really was.
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