I got that aching lonely feeling, that feeling I had constantly before I got sober.
I called another woman in AA and poured my heart out to her until things where back in perspective. My alcoholic mind gets me in such horrific binds and it scares the shit out of me. God is the reason I am sober, and my relationship with God is the most fragile of all my relationships. Its like having a best friend that you can never see or hear or feel in all the way's us human beings can directly relate to.
Faith is so tricky.
OK, got it. I believe there is a power greater than myself.
I believe that that power can restore me back to sanity...I can believe that there is SOMETHING out there, bigger than me...
Easy! (step 2)
Now, put it into action! Rely on that same higher power and give your life over to "it". I choose to call my higher power God, you can call it Buddha or whatever you like, just give it all your problems, and your will and all that other messy junk you have been toting around for you, uh, entire life...
Not so easy anymore. (step 3)
I revisited the third step recently, (as well as this morning) reading from the Twelve and Twelve and then paraphrasing my own synopsis, basically dumbing it down for myself.
Here are my thoughts - my previous writing:
Step Three
("Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.")
The book of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, when speaking of the third step states: "Faith to be sure, is necessary, but Faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith but keep God out of our lives."
Without a doubt this simple phrase would have been baffling to me before I sobered up. I don't believe I even knew the difference between my will, faith and God's will. Even today I have to realize where each of those things stand in my life. The excerpt from the Twelve and Twelve above dawned an "Ah-ha" moment on me.
You see, its so very easy for me to get confused. In this moment, I am seeing clearly the action need to take to ensure I turn my will and life over to the care of God, as the third step states for me to do. I know in this moment that if I am having a terrible issue, I pray to God to take it from me. I pray to God that His will be done, not mine and my faith comes into play then to trust that God is with me and no matter the outcome - things will be alright.
But, how convenient it is that my self will mixed with disease and doubt will fight me on this over and over again for the rest of my life.
Then I realize, what counts here is my WILLINGNESS to turn my will and life over to the care of God. I do not hesitate when I say I am willing (still true on 12-31-08!*). I have come this far, and without willingness I will cease to grow and face the possible backlash of relapse.
I must at lease be willing to take action at all times in sobriety when things get a little messy in my life but, not the action I am used to, being an alcoholic and addict. Alcoholics Anonymous is teaching me how to hand over my self will to God (i.e. my control freak issues*), and God is giving me all the things I have longed for. Do not misunderstand me; to hear such things as a newcomer I was desperately disappointed. Until I felt the baffling joy and serenity, the notion of being so small gave me, this concept went against EVERYTHING i have ever known. Life now, is nothing like what I had imagined but everything my heart had longed for. I see now why it is so essential for a newcomer to let go of old ideas and have faith on what is to come. (Stay teachable!*)
I, being a fallible human being can make mountains out of mole hills when over thinking this third step. For me, the ideas is to give myself a break. What a better way to do just that then to hand over my problems to my God, who has saved my life AND is more than happy to be by my side for all of life's hurdles. It's an amazing process. With each situation that I ask for God's help and I realize how He is working in my life, my faith increases. Just as the cycle was unstoppable who it seemed when i drank as a result of my problems, the cycle can work the same way when I call upon God to solve my problems.
Its so simple really (Oh I have to continue to remind myself!) by being willing, I open up the door to serenity, peace and happiness in my life. God does for me what I cannot do for myself, but only when I take the initative to call to Him (oh look at me taking action!*) I can put the third step into action, God can prove to me - IT WORKS.
* Notes added on 12-31
