365 days, today.

I am very grateful this morning. For the three hundredth and sixty fifth day in a row I woke up sober today and if by the grace of God, I will go to bed sober tonight. I really cannot believe it has been a full year. So many years prior to this one, I have seemly floated in and out of the fog that was my life and passed though years as if they were torture devices of my own making. I was a natural disaster. I was loud, obnoxious, fearful, selfish, and angry just to name a few of my attributes. For some reason though, I felt as if these qualities were refined - I was consistently trying to find "courage" to be the bad ass that I truly thought I would ultimately become, untouchable. I was chasing my tail. I never succeeded in becoming this alter-ego "bad ass", because that same bad ass girl was out to kill me. I fed her booze and drugs and made her strong and she hated who I was...the sensitive and loving girl underneath the roughage, locked in a cage. That person I was trying to become was merely my disease of addiction and alcoholism in full action. I have herd some pretty truthful stuff from folks that knew me then and now, and although it hurts I know its true and I accept it and trust that I have have the power now to continue to move forward. I want to be the sweet sensitive girl I was meant to be, and I don't want to make my vulnerability the wall around my relationships with others anymore. I have worked my ass off in this past year to begin clearing the wreckage of my past and putting the pieces back together for my future. I am usually afraid to do this, so I am grateful and blessed today that I manage to keep my disease in the cage and go about my business as an active participant in my own life. I want to make a life now, not just live in the lives of others.
I am not fixed or healed. I made a choice to step up and want better for myself. I want to be able to show the world around me, by example, that honesty and passion will bring out the good in anyone. I believe that everyone has the same chance as I and if you ask me how it works, I would be honored to tell you. I believe in the program of alcoholics anonymous for teaching me how to live again, and I believe in God for carrying me when I was too weak to walk on my own. I am humble and thankful to hear people tell me what a wretch I was because the miracle of Grace was finally able to do a number on me.