all our problems are self made.

She was never an evil girl. Just misled. Just off track. Just astray.
That's me...Oh and for some reasons I was really angry.

I got a good piece of advise today from a trusted friend.
"All our problems are self-made"

This shed some light on my ever seeking self loathing, my pity party's where I wear the white dress and the others flock around me to listen.

No doubt there are things in my life that are outside of my control and that were not fair. No doubt I might need a therapist one day to address some of the issues that haunt me...but today all of my problems are self made.

I don't like to do the work it takes for me to address, accept and move on when these issues pop up - because it is Hard work. Its endurance that keeps me sober. Every time the energies of the universe seem to present me with a dark memory I have to get up, face it off, and tell it "no", or else I will drink. Drinking allows me to let my fears and past issues sit beside me, preferably on a bar stool as a distant stranger - perhaps only addressing them to ask for a light. Once I get all warm and fuzzy from the substance I can excuse myself and be off on a new. I am only aware today that that kind of behavior gets me nowhere, fast.

I am the shortest distant between my problems and the solutions to my problems. By understanding that, I can put God in the middle of my shit and get a good look at what I really need to see. That MY mind frame, MY thinking is what makes the difference in weather my problems are things that I am letting get in my way of divine happiness. I have to make the choice today to live a happy life. I have to make the choice to not let others decide my fate for me no matter what sort of situation I was in with them in the past. I cannot let anger and resentment run my life.

I am angry about somethings today. I am sad about somethings today. The point is the only thing that will allow me to work though those feelings and come out on a calm side of the storm is to do some hard work. No battle is won by giving up. No storm dies down without a rage. No life is lived in purpose without experience strength and hope.

I am blessed that I do not have to drink today. I am blessed that I can look the beast in the face, feel what I need to feel and accept that I STILL want a better life for myself.

amen.